Living with ME/CFS is… Getting lost in the fridge.

Trees in foggy snow [by Waldrebell]

One day I wake up. I'm looking in the fridge, the open door in my hand. I hear someone asking: "What am I doing here?" For a moment I am surprised, because I am sure I didn't say anything. Yet it is my voice. I look around and I see a plate with two sandwiches on the counter. I realise I'm making lunch.

I had this experience in January 2019. In the time it took me to go from the counter to the fridge (one step aside), I lost everything. There was no past, there was no future. There was only now.

It may be clear that I was in very bad shape at the time. My ME/CFS was severe, I was (literally) stiff with chronic pain, and I was demented as hell. Anything I didn't write down, was lost in a few moments.

I had gotten to the point where it was automatic to ask myself out loud what I was doing. No idea how I managed to do that. It has never been a conscious choice.

The sad thing was that all my tricks to keep myself afloat seemed to work so well that close friends and my parents didn't notice ANYTHING. Even the team of specialists I saw at that time, didn't see it, even though they specialised in ME/CFS.

For months I wandered in this deserted swamp of brain fog. I have rarely felt so lonely...

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