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Inhuman

Depression (by John Hain)

I'm stuck in an abusive relationship. My partner is convinced that I’m cheating on him. He thinks I'm asking too much of him. He systematically breaks down my self-esteem. I want to get out of this relationship, but I can't. Life couldn't be more lonesome…

I often think that I’ve seen the worst part. Then it is quiet for a while. Sometimes even for weeks. And if I no longer expect it, thén my partner strikes again. Always just when I started to gain some confidence again.

Everything has to be done my partner's way. There’s only one way and that’s his way. I have to conform to his world view. He doesn’t understand that all people are different. Being flexible is one-way traffic.

My partner is watching everything that’s happening in my life. I don't have privacy. He must know everything, nothing is private. Not even my bank account. I have to justify every step I take. Otherwise he wouldn't be able to support me, wouldn’t he?!

My partner knows I have a disability. He keeps saying that he is willing to help me. I only have to say when and how. But when I do that, he suddenly comes up with extra rules and conditions. Doesn't he understand that he’s actually deteriorating my health?

I had to give up everything that was important to me. Music lessons and hobbies have stopped. Organic food is also not important to my partner. I only get new clothes when my old ones really worn out. I can do whatever I like to, as long as it costs nothing. But that leaves very little indeed…

I am forced to walk along like a little child. Treated as if my mental faculties are inadequate. But it is my partner who doesn’t understand!

Every time again I have to prove myself. Prove that I am really sick. Prove that I really can't do something. Prove that I really need more support. He looks at me empathically, but he doesn't quite understand it yet. Could I explain it one more time?

This relationship has been going on for a few years now. The stress of it regularly gets too much for me. Then it hits me, and I don't know what to do anymore. It burned me out.

If I could, I would get out of this relationship. But I depend on this relationship, because I have nowhere else to go. The hopelessness makes me desperate. This is not a dignified existence.

Who is my partner? My partner is Social Services. My partner is the Special Social Assistance Benefit. My partner is the Social Support Act (Wmo).